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by Deja M. Farquharson-Carter

Welcome back to the nursery because once we’re grown we must know everything Like adults weren’t clueless when we were teens Oh yeah I know how to follow guidelines I was raised right But what line do I follow when no guides have been lined? What guide do I call on when the responses I get are hollow? Yeah I ain’t got no experience in this but this sounds like a bad idea Not because of my intuition but because I don’t want fruition of your plans, your goals, your dreams See they just don’t fit the ideas that I had for you Or trust me and my trust issues You’re doing too much Are you mad? Are you new? What’s wrong with you?

What’s wrong with me? What is wrong with me? What did I do?

If there’s a malfunction then it needs to be fixed But everyone’s unique but somehow the same but somehow despite being the same as everyone else I just don’t fit. Everyone says that it’s ok to be you but they didn’t like me. I was weird. Weird that’s silly and cute, right? It’s good to be weird or so they say But that just makes you feel alone and that’s not okay. I just don’t get it. I’m perplexed and, excuse my diction, I didn’t mean to flex.

Oh so you smart? Well I guess I am, but I didn’t do the homework and I barely passed the exam. Nah you not smart you just talk white. Ksks, black girl. You ain’t even light. So now I’m too white for my black skin? So now you know more about the body I’m in?

No I don’t listen to your kind of music. No, I don’t know album or artist names. Do I listen to anyone who’s black? I don’t know. I never bothered to check. So now I’m speaking in your way or at least trying to adapt or assimilate. But I don’t know every black activist name so now I don’t know my history. I hated history as a subject it was boring and repetitive. Always the minority being treated like scum. I had enough. And why do I need to meet certain requirements? As if I’m not dark enough to be called a ni-… I’m so dark that I’m burnt, right? I need the right lighting and straighter hair so that I seem white. Stay out of the sun or you’ll get even darker because that’s a bad thing.

STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!! Wait why am I listening to you? You’re not a doctor and I don’t have the flu. I’m trying to be me so why am I consulting you?

Sometimes you have to draw the lines for yourself and just hope that they work out.

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