By Amber Bacote, Virginia State University
INT. RICHMOND APARTMENT - MIDNIGHT
AMBER (22) sits on her couch, inside her messy apartment without any working air conditioning. The television is paused on the Joan Didion documentary Joan Didion: The Center Will Not Hold. She’s typing on her new laptop.
AMBER
If you write a great script, you’ll
send it to your director friend
who’s looking for a passion
project.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you send the script to your
director friend who’s looking for a
passion project, he’ll pitch the
film to an indie producer who wants
to win awards.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the director pitches the script
to an indie producer who wants to
win awards, he’ll hire a mainstream
actress to play the lead.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the producer hires a mainstream
actress to play the lead, she’ll
want her stylist, personal
assistant, and acting coach to join
the production as well.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the actress’s stylist, personal
assistant, and acting coach join
the production, you’ll have to hire
an accountant to keep track of the
various expenses.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you hire an accountant to keep
track of the expenses, he’ll skim
some off the top to send to his
mistress.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the accountant skims some off
the top to send to his mistress,
she’ll get cocky and show off her
new necklace at the Beverly Hills
Hotel.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the accountant’s mistress shows
off at the Beverly Hills Hotel,
word will get back to his wife, the
Pilates instructor for a different
actress.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If his wife hears gossip about her
husband’s mistress, she’ll gossip
to her client.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the Pilates instructor gossips
to her client, her client will
retell the story to her friend.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If her client tells her friend,
word will travel around town.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If word travels around town, the
gossip will get back to the lead
actress in your indie film.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If word gets back to the lead
actress in your indie film, the
crew will find out they’re being
screwed out of their proper income.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the crew finds out they’re not
being paid their earned dues,
they’ll strike.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If the crew strikes, SAG-AFTRA and
their lawyers will get involved.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If SAG-AFTRA and their lawyers get
involved, it will get mass media
coverage from Variety, The
Hollywood Reporter, and Vanity
Fair.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If Variety, The
Hollywood Reporter, and Vanity
Fair cover your film's
strike, you’ll be asked to make a
comment about it.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you’re asked to comment on the
strike, you’ll post to social media
without running it past your PR
manager.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you post to social media without
running it past your PR manager,
it’ll cause more controversy.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If your social media posts cause
controversy, your film will gain
more press attention.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If your films gets more press
attention, it will be invited to be
shown at more festivals.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If your film is shown at more
festivals, it will get Oscar buzz.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If your film gets Oscar buzz,
you’ll have to attend a lot of
pretentious campaigning events.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you attend a lot of pretentious
campaigning events, you’ll get an
Oscar nomination.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you get an Oscar nomination,
you’ll prepare a speech, just in
case you win.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you win an Oscar, make sure you
thank The Academy first.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you win an Oscar and thank the
Academy, you’ll be asked to write
another script.
AMBER (CONT’D)
If you write another script, you’ll
do this all over again.
About the Author
Amber Bacote, Virginia State University
Amber Bacote is a graduating English major at Virginia State University. Her interests include film, pop culture, literature, and fashion. Her least favorite question is “What’s your favorite movie?” because, how could you expect her to pick just one? After she graduates, she plans to pursue a career in film production and screenwriting. She recommends everyone watch a foreign film or two, in their free time.