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because I fear.

Updated: Apr 26, 2021

By Emani Brown aka lulo.

Poetry Winner, 2018 VSU Student Writing Contest

my boyfriend knows of the issues I have and supports me the best he can. and it’s not that I can’t tell him anything but I can’t tell him everything I don’t want to scare him.

I don’t speak about the racing thoughts & suicidal tendencies because his mind is too pure to corrupt with worry. I don’t tell him about the impulses and purposeful starvation about the want to throw away every pill like it’s a grade school crush about how each day my mind goes blank and I become numb because this mental disease is the only thing to stay by my side.

He says he’s here through thick and thin but he doesn’t know that I still crave to be in and if he was to notice that I was pushing him away for the sake of my insanity he’d leave my life and prove the darkness right.

I don’t want the demons on the wall mocking me.

That’s why he only knows about my illness and not its severity because if he knew that it pushes me to leave him I fear that he’d really leave me.

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